Sometimes, we almost feel sorry for the Republicans. Like the time that their favorite lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, got all indicted and stuff, and they had to construct elaborate rationales about whether to return money Abramoff donated that could have come from a criminal enterprise. Ditto for the time their friend Congressman Mark Foley got caught attempting pederasty via text. Or when U.S. Sen. Larry Craig got caught attempting gayness in an airport restroom. Or when U.S. Sen. David Vitter frequented whores. You get the idea.

Anyway, the upshot seemed to be at the time that if somebody was merely accused of a crime, but not convicted, then the return of campaign donations or the imposition of official discipline was not necessary. But once that person was convicted, then you gave the money back and imposed some discipline. (Except for Vitter that is; since he was guilty of heterosexual crimes, he was cool.)

Well, all that’s changed now that Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted of the felonious concealment of gifts from oil industry buddies in his home state. Although there is — unbelievably — no rule that bans a convicted felon of serving in the United States Senate, common sense and human decency would seem to indicate that, if a person were convicted of a felony, he or she would depart out of a sense of shame.

Alas, Stevens has neither common sense, human decency or a sense of shame, and he’s not alone. Check out what Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said about the elderly Alaska felon: “If he is re-elected and the felony charge stands through the appeals process, there is zero chance that a senator with a felony conviction would not be expelled from the Senate.” (They’re still counting ballots in the Stevens Senate race, but thus far, it looks like he’s ahead. Oh, those Alaskans! They’re such dicks!)

But did you see what McConnell did there? It wasn’t just the felony conviction. It was also the appeals process. No longer is a simple felony conviction enough to get you tossed from the Senate! Now, that conviction must be sustained on appeal! And McConnell didn’t specify how far that appeal will go, either. To a three-judge panel of the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia? To an en banc hearing before that entire court? To the U.S. Supreme Court itself? Perhaps to the World Court? The International Criminal Court? The Federation Council itself?!

But hey, at least we know that, when those appeals finally run out, the Senate will do the right thing and toss Stevens. Because they’re not moral idiots, or anything.