Look, we at Various Things & Stuff have no idea what happened at the home of Assemblywoman Francis Allen on the night of May 17, when her husband of seven weeks, Paul Maineri, was stabbed in the arm and required three stitches. And, quite frankly, we like Allen and wish her well.

But damn, if we ever stand accused of committing a crime in Las Vegas, please let us come before Las Vegas Justice of the Peace Joe Bonaventure.

Why? Good question. First, the background: On the night in question back in May, Allen and Maineri got into a spat in front of friends, and argued after those friends left. The argument moved into the kitchen (always a mistake, people!) where — in the original version of the tale — Allen grabbed a knife and stabbed Maineri in the arm.  He drove himself to the hospital (toting the knife in question in a plastic bag) where he told a doctor and a Metro Police officer that his new bride was the assailant.

Whoops. Nevada law requires the arrest of at least one party to a domestic violence incident. According to the police report, when detectives told Maineri that Allen was going to be arrested and jailed (not to mention the fact that she’s a public figure who would wind up getting her mugshot in the newspaper) he recanted. According to a police report, he “…said that he wanted to recant his story and give a taped statement now in which he would say that he stabbed himself if it would keep her from getting arrested.” It didn’t.

(Notably, Allen told cops that Maineri had stabbed himself, according to the report.)

Now, the fallout. After first getting immunity from Bonaventure, Maineri said in court Thursday that he and Allen had argued, and that he had stabbed himself. Why he would do that, and why he would initially lie, well that’s still a mystery. And so is the reason Bonaventure threw the charges against Allen out.

“I find this statement made today, that this offense did not occur, credible,” he said.

And that brings us back to why we so desperately want this judge if we’re ever in the dock. “Check this out, your honor,” we’d say. “We couldn’t have robbed that bank. You see, a shape-shifting alien from the future came back in time, and took our form. It robbed the bank, and took the money back to the future, where it’s actually worth something, as opposed to, you know, today. Anyway, we can’t get the money back and they can’t arrest the alien, since we don’t have the technology today to travel through time. But that’s what happened, judge. Honest.”

Case dismissed, right?

Only in Nevada, where we’re all at risk from time-traveling, shape-shifting aliens.