I’m so gonna miss Circus Circus when (face it) it’s eventually imploded in a cloud of pink particulate clown blood matter or, um, whatever holds it together (carnie sorcery? dwarven magicks?). Not only is Circus² a place where the great unwashed like me can find good values, but it also answers the lingering sociological question of what it would be like if Ringling Bros. operated Venezuela’s prisons.

So there I found myself Saturday night (for reasons still unclear to me), paddling through the casino amid frothy breakers of barking humanity, a veritable mosh pit brought to you by Marlboro Lights. I didn’t realize at the time that I was, in fact, having fun!!!! After I got home and teabagged my corpus in a kiddie pool filled with Lysol, I made a list of what I like most about Circus Circus.

1. It’s one of the few resorts where you can valet-park your flip flops.

2. Its Adventuredome isn’t really a dome. But does it matter? No. Because the only shape a clown cares about is the shape of a child’s laughter.

3. The Steakhouse, which served me an incredible porterhouse so rare and tender it was like drinking a live cow.

4. Have you ever heard an infant with smoker’s cough? I can only compare it to the first time I saw a pony.

5. But this says it all right here:

6. Finally, after Circus Circus is gone, the only casinos we’ll have that are operated by clowns will be the Venetian, the Wynn Las Vegas and all Harrah’s and MGM Mirage properties.