1. I shot someone with an assault rifle for honking at me. Then I stole his Hummer and drove over his head.

2. I rode around on a motorcycle with a shirtless friend on steroids. Then I accidentally ran into a wall and he flew off and rammed his head into it, but, miraculously, he wasn’t mad at me. Then we went to a strip club.

3. I killed three managers of the strip club, one with a knife and much accompanying dramatic fanfare.

4. I honked at a car in front of me when the light turned green, then, inexplicably, my honking turned into spraying gunfire all over the street in an unprovoked orgy of madness and death.*

5. I drove a stolen Camaro up the stairs of a government building.

6. I rescued my kidnapped cousin from a warehouse full of thugs in leather jackets with the help of lots of indiscriminate shooting and liberal use of grenades.

7. Surprisingly unnoticed, I lied down at the edge of a basketball court in broad daylight with a sniper rifle, and shot one of the guys talking on the court.

8. I picked up a friend’s back pay by ramming his boss off the road and then shooting him with a shotgun.

9. Whenever I was injured, I ate chicken with magical healing properties at a fast-food restaurant called Cluckin’ Bell.

*It became evident a moment later I was pressing the wrong button.