That’s the murky subtext of this bit o’ news, anyway, when Bush’s flack in the Interior Department says it would be a bad idea to use the plight of the polar bear to reduce greenhouse gases or fight global climate change. Why, that’d almost be like … animal exploitation.

And we’d never “use” the majestic polar bear to such a highly politicized end, let alone — God forbid! — put this beautiful creature in the employ of less savory agendas such as, say, perpetuating a passive, consumer-oriented, masscult lifestyle that quite obviously is the true culprit behind global warming — would we? Wait … what’s this here … ?

This is the true reason polar bears are threatened. We've been drinking all their Coke.