Here it is, mes amis.

Are you kidding??? A group of scientists claims to have created the first VOICELESS cell phone call. Just wait ’til you see what they have planned for the Internet.

(H/t to Andrew Sullivan)

So the Review-Journal reported Thursday that Clark County building inspectors may have gone easy on big hotels in exchange for free meals, show tickets, hotel stays and — our personal favorite — branded clothing.

Hey, county: Why don’t you walk through the building inspector’s bullpen. Whatever casino clothing you see, send every other inspector to those hotels.

Of course, we’ve heard the usual nonsense in the wake of the revelation: It’s time to send inspectors to ethics classes, and maybe form a special $4 million team to inspect every high-rise over the next five years, and try to engineer a “cultural change” at the county. Problem solved, right?

Give us a break. If professional building inspectors don’t know it’s wrong to take free stuff and ignore their jobs by now, they’re not going to learn. If the county finds people who failed to do their jobs, they need to lose those jobs.

But they probably won’t. Why? Because corruption is built in to the very soul of Las Vegas.

Think about it: The modern Las Vegas we know and love was founded as a place where gambling was to be legal.Vice has been part of the civic DNA ever since, right up to the modern-day G-sting, UMC-gate, medical mafia and dirty clinic cases.

Big business — usually, but not always, casinos — generally has the run of the place. State lawmakers openly whore for private-sector interests, and our governor appoints those same interests to positions of power in state government. This city makes its living, in no small part, on total illusion. Essentially, we sell suckers the lie they can do whatever they want here; slip loose your moral bounds in Vegas. Be whatever or whoever you want.

Is it any wonder we attract greedy doctors allegedly willing to put people’s lives in jeopardy, corrupt executives who are so low as to allegedly steal from the city’s only charity hospital or building inspectors who would allegedly put people’s lives in danger for a buffet comp?

Sure we expose it, and many times, correct it.  But it keeps happening. Why? Because the greed that lies at the heart of the city — from its birth to the modern era — has never and probably will never go away. We’re not naive enough to think that it doesn’t go on in other places; it does. But it’s so much more brazen here in Las Vegas, since it’s virtually the reason the city exists.

And going to an ethics class isn’t going to solve the problem, any more than going to traffic school cures speeders. Trust us. We know.

Oh, how the righteously indignant have fallen.

Former U.S. Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio, the first congressman to fall in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal, has been released from his 30-month prison sentence. As part of his release deal, Ney had to find a job, and wait ’til you see where he’s landed.

Careful readers will most probably remember Ney as the dumb fuck who was able to insist, in his role as chair of the House Administration Committee, that the french fries served in House cafeterias be renamed Freedom Fries, as a sign of protest — and of his displeasure with France’s lack of support for the Iraq War.

Don’t be surprised, dear reader, if Ney shows up in Nevada, looking to replenish his depleted coffers by hitting the mother lode, once his stint in “citizen rehab” is over. After all, Ney and Abramoff are both reputed to consider one prominent Silver Stater their “friend.”

9-1-1 for Kids is a program designed to educate children on the appropriate times to dial the emergency phone number. Yard House is a new restaurant and bar, celebrating its Las Vegas grand opening.

Put them together and you have a publicist’s dream of free publicity. So, someone rounded up 10-year-old Gerardo Sanchez (who saved his mom’s life by dialing 9-1-1 — kudos to him!) and a herd of other kids and brought them March 13 to the place offering “the world’s largest selection of draft beer” for the Local Hero Ceremony.

Heck, Dawn Gibbons, the governor’s wife, must’ve needed a vacation from Carson City (and maybe her husband), so she signed on to present the awards.

We, however, saw it as an opportunity to take photos of innocent tykes and Nevada’s teetotaling first lady in front of a ridiculous amount of draft beer taps.

Thank you, Lord; we couldn’t make up stuff this good.

Not just this week, but every week, if you asked me what my favorite kind of food is, I might well say “condiments.” Why? Because they make everything taste better. Eating without condiments is like writing without adjectives (well, maybe adverbs). So, with nothing else especially luminous on the horizon, I give you my top ten condiments!

Trader Joe’s Peach Salsa: I love pretty much anything peach-flavored. This is best consumed on chicken, pork and lime-flavored Tostitos.

Red Onion Confit: It’s sort of like a relish and sort of like a chutney. Good with a steak you’ve melted a little blue cheese on top of, or with Brie on a cracker.

Marie’s Blue Cheese Vinagrette Dressing: Best salad dressing ever. Try it on spinach with dried cherries and slivered almonds, but it works on pretty much anything, including bare lettuce.

Peter Luger Steak Sauce: I love Peter Luger. I used to live near there in Williamsburg, back before it became a college town, back when it was still a 10 block-square crack den. But Peter Luger is a 120-year-old steakhouse staffed by surly old guys — no menus, just “Steak for one, steak for two or steak for four?” the steaks are aged and flawless (and, need I say, expensive as all hell) and normally it would be a crime to put anything on them, but a drop or two of this sauce does it just right. It also goes on the salads, the potatoes and whatever else. Speaking of condiments, Peter Luger’s is also big on “schlag,” a kind of Swiss ultra-heavy whipped cream. That goes on pie, ice cream, cake and coffee. Everything mit schlag,” as Marlene Dietrich used to say. If I ever make a list of dessert toppings, schlag will lead the list.

Pickapepper Sauce: Basically, it’s kind of like Jamaican steak sauce — made with tomatoes, mangos, peppers, it’s got a dark, stout-like taste, but also an edge of fruitiness. Try it on onion rings.

Sweet Thai Chili Sauce: Another one that’s like a universal solvent (or adornment). I don’t mean the regular red chili sauce in the bottle with the rooster on it, but specifically the “sweet” variety, which has a lighter color and more jelly-like consistency. Also, this is a key component of my best scrambled eggs ever, which is made a follows: Mix eggs thoroughly with a spoonful or two of milk, as well as dashes of garlic powder, black pepper and white pepper. Scramble in pan and, when partly set, add about 1/4 cup crumbled goat cheese. Serve with abundant amounts of sweet Thai chili sauce.

Torito’s Cilantro-Pepita Caesar Salad Dressing: You can put it on salads, tacos, burritos, tortilla chips, pretty much anything. It’s like Ranch Dressing, but Mexican.

Vidalia Sweet Onion Relish: It’s also excellent when combined with the condiment below, especially on hot dogs. A curry catsup and sweet onion relish hot dog is bettered only by the bacon chili cheese dog, and that is saying a lot.

H&P Indian Curry: It used to be called “Curry Catsup,” then they changed it and I was terrified those bastids over the HP had pulled it, but they just renamed it. This goes on anything, but especially fries. Especially sweet potato fries. Also satay, spring rolls, fish n’ chips, barbecue and burgers.

Ketchup: What can I say? I’ve been a fan since I was a tiny child, when people marveled at my ability to douse everything in red goo. When I was eight, I once caused great uproar and consternation when I asked for catsup at Brennan’s restaurant in New Orleans. They were horrified and apparently the chef refused until told it was for a child. Fer chrissakes, it wasn’t like I was putting it on filet mignon: I was having scrambled eggs! But, yes, still ketchup on everything. Preferably Heinz: Hunt’s is too sweet and generic is just ghastly. One must have standards when it comes to these things.

For more Lissa Townsend Rodgers , go to www.ladyscorpio.com.