Really, God hates Reno? We didn’t think God hated any particular city, other than of course Topeka, Kan., since he allowed such fucksticks to set up shop there. But you can’t blame that on God. That’s human stupidity all the way. And bad breeding.

Gov. Jim Gibbons — whose "no tax" pledge forced the Legislature to beg, borrow and steal its way into solving about one-seventh of Nevada’s traffic problems last year — had the big brass ones to issue a news release today touting an express lane on Interstate 15 and his role in getting it done. Check out the release:

Gov. Jim Gibbons announced that Nevadans will soon see their tax dollars hard at work on the construction of an express lane at Interstate 15 in Las Vegas.

 

The [state] Transportation Board, chaired by Governor Gibbons, approved construction on a 5th lane that will extend across a 5.5 mile span on both northbound and southbound I-15.

"The express lane on I-15 is one of many future expansion projects made possible by my efforts to utilize existing revenues to fund transportation projects without raising taxes on the hardworking people of this state," said Governor Gibbons.

The express lane, separated from the existing four lanes by flexible plastic poles, will allow motorists traveling between I-215 and Sahara to avoid interruption from traffic entering or exiting at Spring Mountain Road, Tropicana Avenue and Flamingo Road.

"I am pleased to announce that taxpayer dollars will soon be hard at work on I-15, bringing much-needed traffic relief to millions of motorists," Governor Gibbons added.

And the reason that we’re getting one additional lane in each direction, instead of, say, expanding the freeway by two or three lanes on each side? Well, the state is short on transportation dollars by about $7 billion. And the Gibbons-forced "solution" was to take money from local governments and the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, add some state cash, and boom! You’ve got a one-half-of-one-quarter-of-one-percent solution! (The final package was about $1 billion, well short of the state’s needs.)

Little plastic poles. One additional lane in each direction. It’s more proof that you don’t do more with less. You do less with less.

But hey, taxpayers: When you’re crawling along I-15 (and since thousands of new cars are added to the valley’s roads each month, you will be), look over at those little plastic poles, and smile. You’re taxes haven’t gone up. Sure, your quality of life could be better.

But damn, remember what you’re looking at: Those aren’t just little plastic poles. That’s Jim Gibbons’ leadership.

We at Various Things & Stuff attended the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce’s Preview event on Thursday at the Cox Pavilion. It was awfully nice of them to invite us, especially since we said they should get out of town. Hey! Wait! What are they still doing in town?!

Anyway, the Preview people gave us a sweet goodie bag when we arrived at the event, which we only just now opened up. And boy, there are some cool things in there. We can barely see anymore, thanks to shining that Health Plan of Nevada keychain flashlight in our eyes. (Don’t worry Health Plan of Nevada; we’re not the suing type. Plus, we totally can’t see our Rolodex to call Ed Bernstein.) We especially like the golf ball accessory bag from Cox Business Services. But seriously, Cox, have you ever seen us play golf? We lose balls like Britney Spears loses her mind! We’re going to need a bag that holds, oh, say, 100 balls or so before we can hit the links.

Anyway, we came across a card from our favorite Las Vegas boondoggle project, the Las Vegas Monorail. It turns out the Las Vegas Monorail Co. supports Preview, but we assume that means moral support, since the monorail loses money like we lose golf balls. But according to the card, we should look for information soon about the monorail’s McCarran airport expansion on the company’s website. (We looked, but there’s nothing on there yet.)

Now, we know Preview is a feel-good, positive event in which everybody says great things about the future of Las Vegas (see our story in next week’s CityLife for more). But isn’t this just a tad too optimistic? Seriously, the monorail’s bonds were just downgraded — again! — to Caa3 status, which apparently is one step above "Not worth paper printed on" status and two steps above "you’ve got to be fucking kidding me" status. That’s the lowest, next to bonds that we designed ourselves yesterday with crayons and an old date stamp. You know, to make it look official.

Just how does the monorail think it’s going to go to the airport? Will leprechauns build the track? (Non-union ones, of course. Those union leprechauns are sticklers for taking breaks!) Will the monorail use high-tech laser printers to duplicate U.S. currency to pay for the construction? What person in his or her or its right mind would invest in this thing by buying bonds?

Oh, that’s right: The state of Nevada, which despite the budget crunch, can still help the monorail by issuing tax-exempt bonds. (Although they’re issued by the state, taxpayers aren’t on the hook if the monorail goes bankrupt.) Tax-exempt bonds are how the original Mormon Money Train was built. Why not Mormon Money Train II: Return to the Public Teat?

Anyway, also in the goodie bag we found a high-tech looking monorail pen. Ha! Wouldn’t it be totally funny if the pen didn’t work? You know, just like the monorail for the first couple years? But we tried it and it worked. It’s actually working really well. We’re using it right now. To design Mono-Bucks, the new pretend currency of the Las Vegas monorail, with which financing an airport expansion is totally possible. We’re going to try to use them at Starbucks later. Wish us luck!