OK, OK! Enough with the lectures! We at Various Things & Stuff know we’re fat! We’re working on it, OK? It’s just that, we love food! All kinds of food! And sometimes, we just can’t help ourselves. It’s totally unnecessary to put stories about Nevada being the 37th most obese state on the front page. That’s just hurtful. We’re working on it!

» Whoa! Stop the presses! A reporter has finally been able to get U.S. Sen. John Ensign to say something negative about now-departed Attorney General Alberto Gonzales! You’ve got to read all the way to the end of the story, but there it is.

"Obviously the way he handed the whole U.S. attorney thing was a complete debacle," Ensign is quoted as saying. "I don’t know if it was a lack of management skills. In that regard I don’t think he served the president or the country well."

What? That’s it? A "lack of management skills"? He didn’t serve the president or the country well? That’s what Ensign thinks was the problem? Of all the things that Gonzales did — including sending people to Capitol Hill who lied right to Ensign’s well-tanned face — that’s what he thinks was the problem?

We’re starting to think this guy really is the next Dan Quayle.

» There’s a lot of obfuscation surrounding the arrest and guilty plea of U.S. Sen. Larry Craig in Minneapolis, on charges of disorderly conduct, after he was arrested in a men’s airport restroom by a police sergeant investigating reports of lewd conduct.

But clarity comes from Talking Points Memo, which acquired and published the actual police report of the incident. From this we learn that:

1.) Craig engaged in conduct that a police officer recognized as similar to that of people who are "wishing to engage in lewd conduct."

2.) When caught, Craig handed his U.S. Senate business card to the cop and asked, "What do you think about that?" If this wasn’t an attempt to get out from under arrest by using his position in government, we don’t what it was.

So, even if Craig’s actions were "misconstrued," as he claims (they weren’t, but whatever) he’s still a douche for trying to pull rank to get out of trouble. And that alone should put his 2008 re-election in serious doubt.

And guess who’s responsible for keeping that seat in the GOP fold? Our very own John "Quayle" Ensign!

» If you don’t get the print edition of the Review-Journal, don’t fret. About 81 percent of your fellow Las Vegans don’t, either. But if you do, turn to page 12A and check out the hilarious ad taken out by the American Civil Liberties Union, complaining that U.S. Sen. Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi aren’t doing enough to restrain the Bush administration from illegally wiretapping phones.

You can also see it on the ACLU’s website, by the way. It’s both funny, and true!

» Another prominent Nevadan joins the Biden bandwagon. The senator from Delaware is unstoppable, we tell you!

» Tourists may like breaking the Seventh Commandment, but our corporate overlord assures that we locals will remain pure. Unless we read CityLife, of course. That’s like getting a first-class ticket to hell!

» District Court Judge Elizabeth Halverson’s lawyers are absolutely right: No judge who initiates ex parte conversations with jurors, falls asleep on the bench during trials or sexually harasses courthouse employees is safe from judicial discipline. But, that’s kind of a good thing, no?