So we’re back from the frozen north, glad to see that Las Vegas is right where we left it and nothing has changed (although some wiseacre moved the printer here in our nondescript office building in an industrial area near McCarran International Airport; we still found it, wiseacres!)

Anyway, let’s get on with the business of quick hitting, shall we?

» Why, we wonder, was the person who spoke in this column granted anonymity? He or she only said positive things. Hmmm….

» Let’s hope ex-Clark County Commissioner Lance Malone goes to jail for a long, long time. We think a day for every dollar he accepted or passed on as bribe money to other people would be appropriate, but that would mean a sentence of more than 1,542 years! Anyway, we hope he gets locked up for a long time.

» After Gov. Jim Gibbons blamed former Gov. Kenny Guinn for problems with the state budget. Guinn replied that it’s not his fault. Don’t you just hate uni-partisan bickering? It’s totally destroying our country! Anyway, it seems that some fee increases are still part of the Gibbons budget, for which Guinn is also getting the blame. But that goes against Gibbons promise not to raise taxes (or fees, which he apparently considers the same thing).

Thank God there are Republicans like state Sen. Bob Beers around to defend Gibbons. "My suspicion would be that if he’s [Gibbons] committed to no fee increases and there are some in the budget, they snuck through. Maybe he’ll put a budget amendment forward to eliminate them," Beers said. "If they don’t put an amendment forward, and there are fee increases, and the governor has said there will be no fee increases, that’s a conflicting data set. That’s something we need to get resolved."

Ah, yes, it is a conundrum, isn’t it? Beers may have missed the obvious explanation — Gibbons is anti-tax and anti-fee but he’s handicapped by the fact that he doesn’t know what the hell is in his budget, any more than he knows the details of any other program in state government. Stick that in the data set, baby! (Beers is still the best-looking state senator in Nevada, in our view.)

But poor Gibbons came in for some criticism from young Bob Adney, who has busied himself lately with running the Tax and Spending Control initiative and starting a new right-wing group, called Take Back Nevada.

"A fee increase is a tax increase. We have no problem in Nevada with the enormous amount of money coming in," said Adney. (Reality check: A surplus of several hundred million versus a transportation shortfall of $3.8 billion doesn’t exactly balance out.)

But Adney did say that blaming Guinn is hella-lame, or whatever the young people are saying these days. "It’s not Kenny Guinn’s budget. It’s Jim Gibbons’ submitted budget. It has his name on it. That seems like something an elementary or middle school kid would say." And Adney should know; not long ago, he was an elementary and middle school kid.

Notice something about that item? We didn’t quote a single Democrat, liberal, socialist or communist in criticizing Gibbons. No, it’s all GOP. With friends like those, who needs a political opposition?

» But just in case you do need a political opposition, check out Las Vegas Sun Editor Brian Greenspun’s Sunday column. He summarizes the foolishness of trying to govern a growing state like Nevada with a bumper sticker slogan like "No new taxes." And, he knows what he’s talking about, having served on the governor’s task force on tax policy.

» Well, the Regional Transportation Commission seems to be coming around. But Review-Journal traffic columnist Omar Sofradzija still thinks you’re an idiot. Consider this excerpt from a Saturday piece on ramp meters:

"’Because they [ramp meters] function in a way that’s very similar to a traffic light, we hope people will intuitively stop’ and follow the meter’s directions, said Tracy Bower, an RTC spokeswoman. ‘There are signs that are up with the meters. The lights are pretty self explanatory.’

 

"Essentially, the meters are stoplights that allow vehicles to enter the freeway one a time in hopes of thinning slowdowns that occur around interchanges, where a cluster of cars entering the freeway tries to merge into traffic.

"The meters use a red light to hold a car for a few seconds before signaling a green light, allowing a vehicle to enter the freeway. Then, the cycle repeats.

"’The meters will function much the same way as the meters on U.S. 95,’ Bower said. ‘Stop on red. Go on green.’"

Apparently, the lights aren’t that self-explanatory after all, eh? Oh, and for Ms. Bower, a note: The lights will function exactly the way they do on U.S. 95, and any other damn street in the country, for that matter. If anybody doesn’t know to "stop on red, go on green" they should have their license taken away, not to mention undergoing involuntary sterilization to prevent unfortunate breeding. But we happen to think that most people get it, without having to read the Road Warrior’s extremely simple explanation.

» The Chrissy Mazzeo/Jim Gibbons case may be over. But the questions — especially about the large volume of cell phone calls between players like Sheriff Bill Young, political consultant Sig Rogich, and Mazzeo’s alleged "friend" Pennie Puhek — are enough circumstantial evidence to place Gibbons’ innocence into eternal doubt.

» Screw you, Mike Kalil! That’s what we say after the Review-Journal’s county reporter said mean things about Clark County Commissioner Chip Maxfield. Poor Maxfield’s crime? Making a reference to "transparent aluminum," a futuristic material referenced in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

All Maxfield said was that we should make cars out of transparent aluminum, which is a much hardier metal than the plexiglass used in the late 20th century. Now, personally we could hang with current materials for cars, if only we could get access to transporter technology that would make owning a car totally unnecessary! All we’d need would be a series of satellites and we could beam anywhere on Earth, provided there were no ion storms that would send us into the parallel evil universe (as seen in the episode "Mirror, Mirror") where the alternate version of us at Various Things & Stuff is probably very nice…

Anyway, our point is this: It’s simply mindless discrimination to make fun of Maxfield for his love of a great science fiction series. (And if you haven’t checked out the digitally remastered episodes that air at 5 p.m. on Saturday on the CW, you don’t know what you’re missing!) So lay off, Kalil, unless you want to feel the wrath of our phaser!

» Quotable: "I don’t want to see some gang-bangers or hip-hoppers knocking over a jewelry store at Fashion Show mall." — Mayor Oscar Goodman, on security preparations for the NBA All-Star weekend.

Because God knows, no white people would ever knock over a jewelry store at the Fashion Show mall…

» And finally today, another first for Nevada! We’ve already witnessed the ascension of Assemblywoman Barbara Buckley to be the first woman speaker of the Assembly. And before that, we saw state Sen. Dina Titus become the first woman to become a leader of either party in either house. And on Feb. 23, we will see the first weasel serve as governor!

No, not Jim Gibbons. Lt. Gov. Brian Krolicki, who will fill in while Gibbons attends the National Governor’s Association meeting in Washington, D.C. Krolicki promises he won’t take the governor’s parking space, but if we were Gibbons, we’d be more worried about the office furniture. (Krolicki tried to steal the furniture when he was finally crowbarred out of the state treasurer’s office, which he occupied for eight years. He was eventually forced to give it back.)

Anyway, it turns out that Krolicki will be looking for a job, since the lieutenant governor’s position is considered part-time and pays $20,000 less than his old gig. So, he’s looking for something in the banking sector. But since he’s got a hereditary tendency to feed on small mammals, perhaps he could get some pest-control work in some of Carson City’s older buildings? There’s got to be some vermin in the state capital to be eliminated!