We have to confess, since we first discovered the Review-Journal’s readers tend to vote for Taco Bell for Best Taco and Olive Garden for Best Italian Restaurant, we hardly bother to read the “Best of Las Vegas” tabloid that comes out around this time every year. And while we skimmed some entries, it took an alert friend to direct us to the slam on CityLife buried in this year’s edition.

On the off chance that you, too, haven’t devoured every word of the advertising vehicle, look under Most Embarrassing Thing About Las Vegas. There, an unidentified writer wonders if “the lazy, self-absorbed gasbags who run CityLife” ought to be considered for the category.

Which promoted us to wonder, “why you gotta hate on us like that?” After all, the only thing we’ve ever done to the R-J’s Living section writers — who also prepare the “Best of Las Vegas” tabloid — is point out how awful they are at their jobs. In the entertainment capital of the world, we’ve argued, you should not see stories about lawn ornaments, “stichery stores,” cleaning your windows to get a better view or (still our favorite) those little things on the end of your shoelaces.

We just assumed that it was all in good fun, that most of the Living section writers knew they sucked. (We exempt newcomer Corey Levitan from that description, however. His stuff is entertaining.)

After all, everybody else we talked to (inside and outside the paper) shared our view, and marveled that some of the writers still had jobs. We just assumed that all we’d done is blow the whistle on something everybody knew about, and the only thing they could be mad at us for is rocking the boat.

But then we read this nasty slam on CityLife and it came to us.

They didn’t know.

After years of plodding headlong into mediocrity, after years of churning out colorless, effortless copy without a single editor ever challenging them to produce better, more interesting stories, they’d actually come to the conclusion that they were doing a … a good job! Good Lord, we realized. We broke the news to them.

Well, don’t we feel bad?

Listen, Living section, we’re really sorry about the harsh way that we let you know you blew. We didn’t mean to shatter your illusions. Honestly, we had no idea that you were doing what you considered quality work. If we had known, we’d have been much less mean. We’d still have said it, of course, since it’s 100 percent true, but we might have sugar-coated things just a bit.

So accept our apologies, and even our congratulations for finally finding a pair and sounding off. Good job!

ABSTRACT: Today on Various Things & Stuff, we muse about the nature of Islamic (and Christian) fascism, and then dine on a serving of delicious peanut-butter-flavored Quick Hits!

We’re told Islam is a religion of peace, but judging from some weekend stories, for some of its hard-core adherents, it’s more like a religion of pieces. As in the “pieces” that some fundamentalist Muslim clerics want to pull poor Abdul Rahman into.

His crime? Converting to Christianity 16 years ago while working with Catholic medical relief workers in Pakistan, where he was helping refugees from his native Afghanistan. It seems an open-and-shut case: Rahman was caught in possession of a Bible.

And you thought we liberated this country from the Taliban, didn’t you? It turns out, even the new, U.S.-backed puppet government embraces the principles of Islamic law, which include punishment for converting to another religion.

That punishment? Death. Or at least that’s what state prosecutors were asking for before international pressure prompted the court to declare that Rahman wasn’t mentally fit for trial, and he could be set free while prosecutors continued their investigation.

But that might not help poor Rahman. It seems some hard-line clerics have threatened rioting, and have said they will incite their followers to pull Rahman to pieces.

Hmmm. Sounds peaceful.

Let’s be honest about something: Fundamentalist Islam and democracy are simply incompatible. That religion will never tolerate western-style freedoms, such as women’s rights, civil rights, religious tolerance, and free speech. (Recall the violence that erupted after provocative cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad were published in a Danish newspaper.) We’re fooling ourselves if we think otherwise.

Then again, let’s be honest about something else: Fundamentalist Christianity is also incompatible with democracy. That religion will also never tolerate western-style freedoms, like women’s rights, civil rights, religious tolerance and free speech. We’re fooling ourselves if we think otherwise.

Why? Because both fundamentalist Islam and fundamentalist Christianity share one fatal flaw: They seek to make non-Christians and non-Muslims live as if they were Christians and Muslims. They seek to impose by force of law what can only be accomplished through a genuine change of heart. And in so doing, they betray the very foundation of religion, and turn it into a political movement, with all the corruption and lust for power attendant thereunto.

Fundamentalists cannot be reasoned with, negotiated with, or persuaded — as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said — to respect differing views. They believe they have holy writ and God himself on their side, so any compromise is a betrayal of the Almighty. The only recourse of mere mortals is to oppose them, by reason or by force, when they attempt to seize control of the government.

This is not to say that people of faith should be barred at the door of Congress, or a statehouse, or a foreign parliament. But we’d prefer people of faith who realize that a job as a politician means making laws for everyone, the religious and irreligious alike.

As for poor Abdul Rahman, we sincerely hope he wins his freedom and a ticket to a nation where he won’t be threatened with death for reading a Bible. We should all join in a simple prayer: Lord, please deliver us all from the hands of those who claim to be your servants.

And now, as promised, some weekend Quick Hits:

• Shame on Hearing Master Stephen Compan for closing a hearing for the prime suspect in an alleged sexual assault/hazing incident at Sierra Vista High School, based only on the whim of defense attorney Frank Cremen, who said letting the media in is like chumming for sharks. Yeah, that’s a well-known legal reason for closing a hearing. (Compan also denied a Review-Journal reporter’s request for a delay so the newspaper’s lawyers could be heard on the matter.)

As Juvenile Court Judge William Voy later ruled, Compan erred. Let’s all remember that if Compan decides he wants to be a real, robe-wearing judge someday. He’s clearly not ready for prime-time. We’d say shame on Cremen, too, but he’s just doing his job, and he managed to find an especially susceptible person to mislead.

• Quotable: “If your state currently is in the toilet, [the Taxpayers Bill of Rights] will keep it there.” — Nick Johns, of the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities, on state Sen. Bob Beers’ Tax and Spending Control initiative, which is very much like TABOR. (Quoted in the Review-Journal, March 25.)

• These are groups that want out-of-control spending, want essentially socialism.” — Beers’ calm, considered reply, in the same story.

• Oh, the outrage! KABC, the Los Angeles affiliate of the American Broadcasting Corp., has refused to air an ad trying to lure businesses to Nevada by attacking California’s taxes and regulations. The ad features Mayor Oscar Goodman, of course.

How could those bastards do this? We’re speaking, of course, of the Nevada Development Authority, which is using part of a $5.5 million grant from the state to recruit businesses to Nevada. That’s $5.5 million worth of unbuilt roads, unfed homeless people, unpurchased mental health treatment beds or unhired cops or teachers. Or, for the Bob Beers conservatives out there, it’s a $2.18 tax refund for every one of the estimated 2.5 million people living in Nevada in 2005, according to the state demographer’s office.

Why, that’s almost enough to buy a Double-Double at In-N-Out. For everybody in Nevada. And who wouldn’t want a delicious Double-Double instead of another hammy ad featuring Goodman?

• Shades of the Cold War: A Pentagon report says captured Iraqi documents show the Russians — who apparently had a source inside American Central Command in Qatar during the 1993 invasion of Iraqi — were telling Saddam Hussein about U.S. troop movements.

Now, we were against the war, too, just like the Russians. But if its proven that the government of Vladimir Putin was deliberately putting U.S. soldiers at risk, we think serious consequences should flow. And we don’t mean just skipping a trade summit.

Then again, didn’t President George W. Bush look into former KGB officer Putin’s soul and pronounce him a good man? We think there may have been a reflection in the room, since we were always taught that KGB officers don’t have souls. Oh, snap! Only kidding. It could be that Russian technology has developed to the extent where some sort of Soul-O-Matic device can be implanted directly in the eyes that would bypass even the intense, piercing gaze and intellect of President Bush.

But seriously, folks. If Ivan put our people at risk of Iraqi shot and shell, we need to return the favor. Big time.

• Good for you, South Dakota! Showing that not all South Dakotans are members of Christian fascist sects, a group has begun to collect signatures to repeal that state’s toughest-in-the-nation abortion ban. They’ll need 16,728 signatures by June to be successful, which means they’ll need to find 16,728 otherwise reasonable people by summer.

And that’s going to be tough, since if you’re reasonable, wouldn’t you have moved out of South Dakota long ago?

• Let’s start by saying that we like the Las Vegas Sun’s Jeff Simpson. He’s a smart guy and well-informed about the gambling industry. Aside from a preternatural love for all things Steve Wynn, we think he does a good job.

But what the hell was he talking about in Sunday’s column? Not only did he let Mobile Billboards owner Marla Letizia totally slam her competitors — they’re moving bombs, ready to go at any minute!!!! — he actually argued that the moving ad platforms take away from the ambiance of the Strip.

Say what?

No, really, check it out: “The Strip is the economic engine of our valley and our state. When visitors come to Las Vegas they are looking to experience the billion-dollar resorts and their best-in-the-world offerings.

“Anything that detracts from that experience should be scrutinized.”

And here’s a little more:

“Mobile billboards undeniably add to the congestion on the Strip. They drive more slowly than cars, and take up a lot of space. And they block views of the fountains, volcanos [sic] and the multibillion-dollar streetscape that resort operators created to capture visitors’ imaginations.”

And finally: “But if they’re allowed to remain, they should at least be limited in number and made to operate safely, similar to the way we already regulate taxis and limos. County commissioners should act before the problem gets even more out of hand.”

Do we even have to say it? OK, we will: When your town is built on fake pyramids, fake King Arthur-style castles, fake Italian lakes, fake Eiffel Towers, fake pirate lagoons and a fake Roman Empire (to say nothing of the real purpose of Vegas, to separate suckers from their money), a mobile billboard rolling down the Strip can’t possibly detract that much.

We like you, Jeff, but on this one, we think you’re parroting the casino line just a little too closely.

• Quotable: “The country’s first lobbyists were the people who wrote the Constitution. I don’ think we should lose sight of that.” — Tom Skancke, a lobbyist for the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, quoted in the Review-Journal today.

Yes, who could forget the headlines in the Ye Olde Washington Post in 1787, about how Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were accused of improperly influencing old Benjamin Franklin with an all-expenses-paid trip to France for hookers and cheese? Damn if those old-school lobbyists didn’t know how to twist arms!